HALLO JULLE

November 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

Ek was so lanklaas hier ek voel weer vreemd van vooraf!!!

Kool

November 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

‘n Man wat by Fruit &Vegs werk is besig om appels uit te pak. Die vrou stap na hom toe…
“Ekskuus meneer, weet jy waar die kool is?”
“Ons het op die oomblik nie kool nie mevrou, maar ons sal môre kool hê.”
So 5 minute later hoor hy weer ‘n stem, “Meneer waar is die kool??”
Hy antwoord weer, “Ons het nie kool nie mevrou.”
Na so rukkie tik sy weer aan sy skouer en vra, “Ek kry nie die kool nie??!”

 

Hy is nou duidelik gatvol en sê…
“Mevrou, kan mevrou my net gou 3 vrae beantwoord…
Hoe spel mens “kat” in “katastrofe?”
“K…A…T” antwoord sy.”
Hoe spel mens hond in hondsdolheid?” “H…O…N…D”
“Nou mevrou laastens. Hoe spel mens “Fok” in “kool”?”.
“Daar is nie “Fok” in “kool” nie?” sê sy
“Nou presies daar is nie Fok-in-kool nie!!

Tweeling

November 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Die Blond huil vreeslik tydens die geboorte van haar tweeling.

Die Dokter vra verbaas…”Hoekom huil jy so vreeslik, jy het dan nounet ‘n tweeling ryker geraak?”

“Ja ek weet” antwoord sy… “Maar…snik…ek weet nie wie die Pa van die tweede een is nie…snik”

gattiep

Oktober 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

Gatiep Innie  Court.
Regter:  “Hoe kan  jy onskuldig pleit as 5 mense jou sien steel het?”
Gatiep: “Djou Honour, ek kan thousands bring wat my nie gesien het nie!”
Regter:  “Waar is jy gebore?”
Gatiep: “Djou Honour, ek is gebore innie Kaap!”
Regter:  “Watter deel?”
Gatiep: “My hele lyf is daar gebore, djou Honour, net die tanne is van joburg af!”

iets om oor na te dink…

Oktober 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

Loving Someone

 

  A boy was born to a couple after eleven years of marriage. They were a

  loving couple and the boy was the apple of their eyes.

 

  When the boy was around two years old, one morning the husband saw a

  medicine bottle open. He was late for work so he asked the wife to cap the

  bottle and keep it in the cupboard. The mother, preoccupied in the

  kitchen, totally forgot the matter.

 

  The boy saw the bottle and playfully went to the bottle and, fascinated

  with its colour, drank it all. It happened to be a poisonous medicine meant

  for adults in small dosages. When the child collapsed, the mother hurried

  him to the hospital, where he died.  The mother was stunned. She was

  terrified how to face her husband.

 

  When the distraught father came to the hospital and saw the dead child,

  he looked at his wife and uttered just four words.

 

  What do you think were the four words???

 

  The husband just said “I Love You Darling”

 

  The husband’s totally unexpected reaction is proactive behaviour. The child

  is dead. He can never be brought back to life. There is no point in

  finding fault with the mother.

 

  Besides, if only he had taken time to keep the bottle away, this would not

  have happened. No point in attaching blame. She had also lost her only

  child. What she needed at that moment was consolation and sympathy from

  the husband. That is what he gave her.

 

  Sometimes we spend so much time asking who is responsible or who is to

  blame, whether in a relationship, in a job or with the people we know.

  that we miss out some warmth in human relationship in giving each other

  support. After all, shouldn’t forgiving someone we love be the easiest

  thing in the world to do? Treasure what you have. Don’t multiply pain,

  anguish and suffering by holding on to unforgiveness.

 

  If everyone can look at life with this kind of perspective, there would be

  much fewer problems in the world.

 

  Take off all your envies, jealousies, unwillingness to forgive,

  selfishness, and fears and you will find things are actually not as

  difficult as you think.

 

  THINK….. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

 

  REMEMBER….. Caring should be in the Heart and not in Words. Anger should

  be in Words and not in the Heart. 

my eerste probeer slag!

Oktober 22, 2012 in Uncategorized

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that he can get one over on the senior easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun…

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn. He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart-arsed lawyer friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks,

“Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

You know you’re going to send this one on.

Don’t mess with Seniors!

lekker lag vir die laaste keer!

Oktober 19, 2012 in Sonder kategorie

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes…

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few
questions.”

He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks,”
What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “Let’s try to rephrase
that.”

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken
farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a
prostitute?”

“Well, I raised 650 cocks last year.”

“Chicken Farmer it is.”



vir die lagspiere…

Oktober 18, 2012 in Sonder kategorie

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly
in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”


Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about
to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,


“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more
around here?”


Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.


“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman
nearly had me!”


Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the panther. So, off he goes.


The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a
deal for himself with the panther.


The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here,
squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving
canine!”


Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and
thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog
sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet,
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….


“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
panther!”


Moral of this story…


Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and
skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bull Shit and
brilliance only come with age and experience.


If you don’t send this to five ‘old’ friends right away, there will be five
fewer people laughing in the world.


Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just ‘youthfully
challenged’.


You did notice the size of the print, didn’t you?

so waar…..

Oktober 18, 2012 in Sonder kategorie

Jy kom regtig agter dat jy besig is om oud te word wanneer jy afbuk om jou
skoene vas te maak en jy wonder wat jy sommer terselfdertyd kan doen terwyl jy
daar onder is.

goeie raad!

Oktober 17, 2012 in Sonder kategorie

Hoe
om jou TELE-BEMARKER op 10 maniere te TERRORISEER:

1.  
As hulle vra: “Hoe gaan dit?” moet jy hulle vertel. Sê: “Ek is
so bly jy vra, want niemand gee meer vir my om nie. My artritis vreet my op, ek
het blaasprobleme, my rug is seer en ek kry sooibrand. En my hond Is gister
dood.”

2.  
As sy sê sy is Cathy van ACD Bpk., sê sy moet haar naam spel. Vra dan hoe jy
die maatskappy se naam spel. Vra die adres, wanneer is dit gestig, wie was die
stigters, hoe lank werk sy al daar en hoeveel mense werk by die plek.

3.  
Gee ‘n uitroep van verbasing: “Cathy! Is dit jy? Liewe hemel, hoe gaan
dit?” Dit sal Cathy ‘n paar oomblikke laat wonder waarvandaan julle mekaar
ken.

4.  
As Cathy wil hê jy moet aansluit by die kring vir Familie en Vriende, antwoord
in ‘n sinistere stem: “Ek het geen vriende nie. Wil jy my vriend
wees?”

5.  
As hulle aanbied om jou geld te leen, sê jy is pas bankrot verklaar EN kan
definitief doen met geld.

6.  
Sê vir die telebemarker jy is in “huisarres” en vra of hy of sy dalk
vir jou ‘n bottel brandewyn en ‘n kas bier kan bring.

7.  
Laat die telebemarker sy of haar hele storie vertel, en vra dan of hy of sy met
jou sal trou omdat jy so eensaam is. As hy of sy dan heeltemal uit die veld
geslaan is, sê daar is geen manier waarop jy jou kredietkaart se nommer aan ‘n
vreemdeling sal verskaf nie.

8.  
Sê jy is op die oomblik baie besig en vra hulle dan of jy hulle huisnommer kan
kry sodat jy kan terugbel. As die antwoord is dat hy of sy nie hulle huisnommer
kan verstrek nie, sê: “Ek lei af dat jy nie wil hê dat iemand jou by jou
huis moet pla nie, reg?”  As hy of sy saamstem, sê: “Wel, ek skat
jy weet nou seker hoe ek oor die saak voel.”

9.  
Maak asof jy vas onder die indruk is dat dit eintlik jou vriendin Lulu is wat
bel. Sê: “Komaan, Lulu, ek weet dis jy wat bel! Hoe gaan dit nog met jou
ma wat so siek was?”

En
die belangrikste wenk ……

10.  
Vra hulle om BAIE STADIG te praat sodat jy elke woord kan neerskryf.