Jy blaai in die argief vir 2010 Januarie.

Attention all males: a nifty guide on how to score with the ladies

Januarie 26, 2010 in Sonder kategorie

Got this via e-mail, but if I was a man, I would make this my screensaver. It not only explains how to make a woman eat out of your hand, but gives a host of other VURA (Very Useful Relationship Advice). Already married? On the brink of a divorce? Ready to throttle her (NOT advisable, there are laws against that!) this guide can save you a hell of a lot of money on marital counselling. So, don’t say you never get any good advice for free.

Basically, what we’re working here, is your basic point system. In other words, when I say score, I mean score. As in add up your points. (You thought what??)

The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s
the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It’s her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response  (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Chinglish/Engrish – delightful new funnies!

Januarie 25, 2010 in Sonder kategorie

If we can all do what the sign in no 2 says, South Africa will be a much safer place! And read VERY carefully what Nokia is doing. Is it a polite way to explain dropped calls?

THIRD Simply Slim-warning in today’s newspaper: is it worth the risk?

Januarie 25, 2010 in Sonder kategorie

Maybe it works for you, maybe it doesn’t. But, however, be careful, be very, very careful.

Beeld has reported on this a few times, and every time Simply Slim replied that there is nothing harmful in the tablets selling at R590 for one month’s supply.

Some GP’s have expressed their concern, and last week a Johannesburg cardiologist expressed his serious concern about the use of this after a 20 year old girl (who weighs 60kg and just wanted to lose a few kg’s) ended up in hospital with severe heart palpitations, showing an abnormality in the ECG. NO heart problems before. Dr. Andrew Sarkin says it’s the fourt such patient he has treated in three months.

But MANY don’t even make the news. My friend used it without side effects, but her husband had similiar reactions as the above person. So bad, that she made an appointment with a cardiologist, as he is in his late 40’s and very stressed as the owner of a huge concern. The very day he stopped using the Simply Slim, the symptoms disappeared.

The same thing happened with my friend’s sister, also a very thin woman but one that is sure she can still lose some weight.

The same thing happened with another friend with no previous history of heart or blood pressure problems – in other words, according to the brochure, a safe candidate for using this.  She was stressed out of her mind the night her “heart symptoms” started and said she feared that she would end up in ICU sometime that night.

None of these cases were reported to Simply Slim. They merely stopped using it. So, when Simply Slim says they haven’t had a lot of complaints, it may be true. But it may just be that people don’t bother to report feeling like they do when using the tablets.

Today Beeld reveals that there is cybutramine in the tablets according to a report by the SABS. And, wait for it, more of it than is found in PRESCRIPTION tablets like Reductil. This comes after medicine control boards in the USA and Europe last week announced that ALL prescription medicine containing cybutramine should be withdrawn from the market as it SIGNIFICANTLY increases the risk of cardiovascular symptoms and risks such as stroke or heart attack.

Of course what you drink is your own choice. But is a quick slim idea worth risking a heart attack?

Read today’s article here: http://www.beeld.com/Content/Suid-Afrika/Nuus/1928/a726a29230ff466cae6db89a4b9b75d8/24-01-2010-11-43/Nog_Simply_Slim-reaksie

Read the one from 31 Dec here: http://www.koerantargiewe.media24.com/

 

The one about: Reductil causing a cardiovascular risk:  http://www.beeld.com/Content/Suid-Afrika/Nuus/1928/4e214670e0f041b5868a3e201aba83df/23-01-2010-02-22/Verband_tussen_verslankmiddel_en_beroerte,_hartaanval_gevind

 

And Friday’s story: http://www.beeld.com/Content/Suid-Afrika/Nuus/1928/83eadd950e234eaa90706ffe5a0423dc/23-01-2010-01-52/Verslankers_se_hart_raak_op_hol

And here: 

http://blogs.dieburger.com/Rene25/pille-wat-jou-maer-maak

THIRD Simply Slim-warning in today’s newspaper: is it worth the risk?

Januarie 25, 2010 in Sonder kategorie

Maybe it works for you, maybe it doesn’t. But, however, be careful, be very, very careful.

Beeld has reported on this a few times, and every time Simply Slim replied that there is nothing harmful in the tablets selling at R590 for one month’s supply.

Some GP’s have expressed their concern, and last week a Johannesburg cardiologist expressed his serious concern about the use of this after a 20 year old girl (who weighs 60kg and just wanted to lose a few kg’s) ended up in hospital with severe heart palpitations, showing an abnormality in the ECG. NO heart problems before. Dr. Andrew Sarkin says it’s the fourt such patient he has treated in three months.

But MANY don’t even make the news. My friend used it without side effects, but her husband had similiar reactions as the above person. So bad, that she made an appointment with a cardiologist, as he is in his late 40’s and very stressed as the owner of a huge concern. The very day he stopped using the Simply Slim, the symptoms disappeared.

The same thing happened with my friend’s sister, also a very thin woman but one that is sure she can still lose some weight.

The same thing happened with another friend with no previous history of heart or blood pressure problems – in other words, according to the brochure, a safe candidate for using this.  She was stressed out of her mind the night her “heart symptoms” started and said she feared that she would end up in ICU sometime that night.

None of these cases were reported to Simply Slim. They merely stopped using it. So, when Simply Slim says they haven’t had a lot of complaints, it may be true. But it may just be that people don’t bother to report feeling like they do when using the tablets.

Today Beeld reveals that there is cybutramine in the tablets according to a report by the SABS. And, wait for it, more of it than is found in PRESCRIPTION tablets like Reductil. This comes after medicine control boards in the USA and Europe last week announced that ALL prescription medicine containing cybutramine should be withdrawn from the market as it SIGNIFICANTLY increases the risk of cardiovascular symptoms and risks such as stroke or heart attack.

Of course what you drink is your own choice. But is a quick slim idea worth risking a heart attack?

Read today’s article here: http://www.beeld.com/Content/Suid-Afrika/Nuus/1928/a726a29230ff466cae6db89a4b9b75d8/24-01-2010-11-43/Nog_Simply_Slim-reaksie

Read the one from 31 Dec here: http://www.koerantargiewe.media24.com/

 

The one about: Reductil causing a cardiovascular risk:  http://www.beeld.com/Content/Suid-Afrika/Nuus/1928/4e214670e0f041b5868a3e201aba83df/23-01-2010-02-22/Verband_tussen_verslankmiddel_en_beroerte,_hartaanval_gevind

 

And Friday’s story: http://www.beeld.com/Content/Suid-Afrika/Nuus/1928/83eadd950e234eaa90706ffe5a0423dc/23-01-2010-01-52/Verslankers_se_hart_raak_op_hol

And here: 

http://blogs.dieburger.com/Rene25/pille-wat-jou-maer-maak

And here:

True story in today’s Rapport: people like this man makes South Africa a special place

Januarie 24, 2010 in Sonder kategorie

Rapport published the most beautiful story this morning, and I want to share it with English readers as well. (I am pasting the full story as it appeared at the bottom of this.) In short, an employer of Pick&Pay in Bedfordview, Mr Sam Tsukudu, made the papers after carrying home a 75 year old man who recently underwent a serious back operation and collapsed on a pavement somewhere in Bedfordview. He was completely exhausted and disorientated. Then, he recalls, this “angel dressed in a P & P uniform appeared from nowhere” and carried him home.

Rapport went to meet this man, and found out that he does this sort of thing regularly. One woman, an ex-Miss SA from 1975, lives in a nearby old age home, and tells how Tsukudu carries her parcels home and even unpacks it for her.  A blind customer tells how Sam accompanies him through the shop to ensure that he gets everything on his wife’s shopping list. And then he walks him and his guide dog home.

Sam says his love for people is a gift from God.

And his story made my day! I might even consider going to Pick and Pay in Bedfordview for my shopping. At our local supermarkets it seems as if the people are working there as part of their prison sentences, judging by the long faces and the lacklustre approach helping customers…

Well done, Sam! And Raymond Ackermann, how about a bonus for this man? Or even better – use him in workshops to train his peers about what it is that makes customers go back to a specific shop time after time.

Engel van Bedfordview

2010-01-24 00:01

Mnr. Sam Tsukudu, die engel van Bedfordview.

Johannes de Villiers

Selfs al het mens geen geld of luukse motors om weg te gee nie, kan jy steeds jou rykdom met ander deel.

Kyk byvoorbeeld wat het met mnr. Danie Britz (75) van Bedfordview gebeur.

Verlede Vrydag het Britz, erg verswak ná onlangse rugoperasies, sy pad byster geraak en heeltemal sat en hulpeloos op ’n sypaadjie neergesak. “Toe kom dié man verby,” vertel Britz. “Ek het hom nie geken nie.”

Dié barmhartige samaritaan, ’n groot man geklee in Pick n Pay-werkklere, het Britz soos ’n kind op sy rug getel en hom huis toe gedra.

“Daar is no ways dat iemand anders dit vir my sou gedoen het,” vertel Britz, nou nog verstom.

Dié senior burger is een van vele wat deur die engel van Bedfordview in die ooste van Johannesburg geraak is.

Mnr. Sam Tsukudu werk sedert 1986 in die plaaslike Pick n Pay en woon in Bezuidenhoutvallei langs Hillbrow.

Hy is dalk net een van die merkwaardigste mense in Johannesburg.

“Hy het ’n hart van goud,” sê me. Adele Kruger, Mej. Suid-Afrika 1975 en nou inwoner van die Arbor Village-aftreeoord in Bedfordview. “Hy help my om my parcels van die winkel af te dra. Hy dra dit tot by my huis.” En daar pak hy selfs haar kruidenierskaste vir haar.

In die supermark is daar altyd ’n kringetjie laggende, gelukkige mense rondom Tsukudu.

“Ek is gebore met hierdie ding binne-in my,” sê hy. “God het dit vir my gegee. Ek kan nie anders as om dit uit te deel nie.”

Van doer anderkant die brood- en groenterakke groet mense hom vrolik op die naam. En hy groet terug in Portugees, Frans, Italiaans, Afrikaans, Engels, Zoeloe; tale waarin hy leer groet het om selfs vriendeliker te wees.

Soms loer mnr. John Chandler, ’n blinde, met sy gidshond in. Hy gaan staan by die ingang totdat Tsukudu hom gewaar.

Tsukudu fluit, die gidshond se stert waai en Chandler stap nader sodat Tsukudu hom deur die winkel kan lei. Die blinde man se vrou skeur stukke van produkte se verpakking af en stuur dit saam sodat Tsukudu weet wat om in sy inkopiesakke te sit.

“En as ons klaar is,” vertel Tsukudu, “vra ek vir mnr. John of sy vrou nie ook lus is vir viskoekies nie. Ek weet sy is mal oor viskoekies.”

Daarna stap hy saam met Chandler en sy gidshond huis toe.

Selfs mnr. Raymond Ackermann, Pick n Pay-grootbaas, het Tsukudu al vir sy positiewe houding bedank.

Sy hele lewe bestaan uit vreugde. “As ek soggens wakker word, gee ek heel eerste vir my vrou ’n soen. Nog voordat sy enigiets kan sê. Dan soen ek elkeen van my kinders. En as ek werk toe kom, groet ek almal. En gee drukkies.

“My vrou sê sy verstaan nie hoekom ek nooit kwaad raak nie. Maar vir wat sal ek ooit kwaad raak? Hoekom doen mense dit aan hulself?”

– Rapport

(Effe gewaagde) grappie

Januarie 22, 2010 in Sonder kategorie

Dit was onthaal-aand by die ouetehuis, en Klaas die hipnotiseur is genooi om

die ou mensies te vermaak.

Hy verduidelik: “Ek gaan julle almal in ‘n beswyming laat verval en julle

gaan dan presies maak soos ek sê.”

Die opgewondenheid loop hoog en Klaas haal sy pragtige antieke sakhorlosie

uit sy sak en begin dit heen-en-weer swaai op die verhoog.

“Hierdie horlosie is al 200 jaar in ons familie. Ek wil hê julle moet stip

na die horlosie kyk. Sien hoe dit heen-en-weer beweeg. Links en regs,

heen-en-weer, voel hoe julle julself oorgee aan die beweging, heen-en-weer,

heen-en-weer”

Die oumense raak vasgevang in die heen-en-weer beweging van die horlosie.

Honderde oë volg die heen-en-weer beweging en verval in ‘n beswyming totdat

die horlosie per ongeluk uit Klaas se vingers glip en op die vloer stukkend

val.

“SHIT!” skree Klaas

Dit het drie weke gevat om die ouetehuis weer heeltemal skoon te kry…

Aansoekvorms vir voornemende vryers by jou dogter (baie snaaks!)

Januarie 22, 2010 in Sonder kategorie

Ons het almal ‘n dogter, en ons dink almal daar is geen man goed genoeg vir haar nie. (Snaaks, ons ma’s het net so oor ons gevoel en kyk waar sit ons nou! Of altans, party van ons.)

 

Anyhoe, kry vanoggend hierdie snaakse mail van ‘n vriendin. File en gee dit eendag vir voornemende vryers – net om hulle gesig te sien!

01: Alle aansoeke moet vergesel word van:

· 5 kg (of meer) biltong.
· 12 bottels K.W.V. Roodeberg.
· 12 bottels K.W.V. 10 jaar brandewyn.
· 1 kas Heineken
· ‘n Betaalde jagsafari van 14 dae in Kenia vir 4 persone..

02: Hierdie aansoek sal as onvolledig beskou word en dienooreenkomstig afgekeur word indien enige van die volgende NIE aangeheg is nie:

· Volledige finansiële state van die afgelope drie jaar..
· Skool- en Universiteit geskiedenis (nie Technicon, Kollege of enige iets anders nie)!
· Werksgeskiedenis en -rekords.
· Familiegeskiedenis van die laaste 200 jaar (Anglo-Boereoorlog hensoppers, joiners of vermyders kan net hier opgegee word).
· Afskrif van Bestuurderslisensie en Polisie rekords.
· Volledige mediese ondersoek onderteken deur ‘n goedgekeurde Dokter en Psigiater.

PERSOONLIKE INLIGTING

NAAM EN VAN: ………………………………………………………………………………………………..

BYNAAM: ………………………………………….. (Enige diername by bogenoemde sal tot afkeuring lei)

GEBOORTEDATUM: …………………………………………………………………..

LENGTE: ……………………………………………………………………………………

GEWIG: ……………………………………………………………………………………

I.K..: ………………………………………………………………………………………….

SKOOL GEMIDDELD: ………………………………………………………………….

I.D. NO: ……………………………………………………………………………………..

BESTUURDER LISENSIE KODE: …………………………………………………..

VOORTREKKERRANG (TANS) EN KURSUSSE VOLTOOI: …………………………………………….

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

HUISADRES EN TEL NO: ………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

DORP OF STAD: …………………………………………………………………………………………………

KODE: ………………………………………………………….

Het jy een manlike en een vroulike ouer? …………………. Indien nee , verstrek redes: …………………..

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Aantal jare wat hulle getroud is: ………………………….. Indien korter as jou ouderdom, vestrek redes:
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Besit jy:

· ‘n Kombi? ……………………………
· ‘n Ford Sierra? ………………………
· Enige ander kar met ‘n drukvin en allooiwiele wat nie standaard is nie? ……………………….
· ‘n Waterbed? ……………………….
· ‘n Bakkie met ‘n matras agterin? ……………………..
· Kondome? …………………………….
· Enige pornografie? …………………
· Dra jy ‘n oorbel, neusring, naeltjiering, ens? ……………………
· Het jy ‘n tattoeërmerk? …………..
· Rook en suip jy? …………………….

Indien enige antwoord op enige van die bogenoemde vrae JA is – moenie voortgaan met die voltooiing van die aansoekvorm nie, (vir veiligheidsredes) en verlaat onmiddellik die perseel.

In minder as 50 woorde, wat beteken “LAAT” vir jou?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

In minder as 50 woorde, wat beteken “MOENIE AAN MY DOGTER RAAK NIE” vir jou?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

In minder as 50 woorde, wat verstaan jy onder “GEHEELONTHOUDING”?

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

In minder as 10 woorde, wat verstaan jy onder die volgende:

KASTREER?
………………………………………………………………………………………………………

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

GENADEDOOD?
…………………………………………………………………………………………….

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

In NIE MINDER as 5000 woorde verduidelik wat jy verstaan onder die woord “VRY”.
(Skryf dit op jou eie papier en voeg by aansoek).

Naam en adres van die kerk wat jy bywoon: ……………………………………………………………………

Hoe gereeld woon jy kerkdienste by? ……………………………………………………………………………..

Wanneer sal die beste tyd wees om die volgende persone te ondervra:

· Vader: …………………………………………
· Moeder: ………………………………………..
· Predikant: ……………………………………..
· Paroolbeampte: ………………………………..
· Vorige drie meisies: …………………………….

Sal jou ouers hulle vrywillig aan genetiese toetsing onderwerp of sal doofpyle gebruik moet word?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Enige besware teen die deursoeking van jou persoon, voertuig, hok, gat of enige ander blyplek?

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Voltooi die volgende sinne:
Antwoorde sal as vertroulik beskou word.

Indien ek raakgeskiet word, wil ek nie in/op my ………………………………………. raakgeskiet word nie.

Indien ek geslaan word, wil ek baie graag NIE die volgende bene gebreek hê nie: …………………….

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

‘n Vrou se plek is in die: ………………………………………………………………………………………….

Die een ding wat ek hoop NIE gevra sal word in die onderhoud nie, is: ………………………………….

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Wanneer jy ‘n meisie vir die eerste keer ontmoet, wat sien jy heel eerste raak? ……………………………..

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

NOTA:
Indien enige liggaamsdeel genoem word wat begin met ‘n “P”, “T”, “D” of “G”, stop dadelik en verlaat die perseel.
Terwyl jy die perseel verlaat, hardloop in S’e en hou jou kop laag!

Wat wil jy word INDIEN jy moontlik groot word? ……………………………………………………………..

Wat is die huidige tariewe van ‘n hotelkamer?

……………………………………………………………………

Kondome kom in pakkies van: (omkring een):

· 3
· 6
· 9
· 12
· Al die bogenoemde

Hoe weet jy dit? ……………………………………………………………………………………………………

HIERMEE BELOOF EK PLEGTIG DAT AL DIE BOGENOEMDE INLIGTING KORREK EN WAAR IS. VERKEERDE VERSKAFDE INLIGTING MAG (SAL/KAN? – JOU KEUSE!) LEI TOT DIE DOOD, ONTMANNING, DIE VERLOOR VAN LEDEMATE, ROOIMIER-MARTELING,
KRUISIGING, ELEKTRIESE SKOK, CHINESE WATERMARTELING EN/OF ROOIWARM
YSTERTOEDIENING.

………………………………………………………………………………..
NAAM EN HANDTEKENING

Dankie vir jou belangstelling.
Laat asseblief 4 tot 6 jaar toe vir prosessering.
Jy sal skriftelik in kennis gestel word indien jou aansoek aanvaar word.
Moet asseblief nie probeer om telefonies, elektronies, skriftelik, per posduif, vingertaal of deur middel van rooksiene in verbinding te tree nie.
(DIT KAN/SAL/MAG TOT ERNSTIGE BESERINGS LEI)

L.W: lndien jou aansoek afgekeur word, sal jy persoonlik in kennis gestel word deur twee here in swart pakke met wit dasse wat elk ‘n viooltas dra.

A very funny joke that tests your general knowledge (and mocks us Souf Efricans a bit)

Januarie 20, 2010 in Sonder kategorie

I always wonder who thinks up these jokes about South-African situations. And who decides to SMS it. And how soon it travels around the country, and even the globe. And how much the cellphone companies make out of jokes being forwarded all over the place. I bet Vodacom and MTN has a VERY clever team of “joke originators” that brainstorm through dark nights just to have a new joke going out every day… Like this one received yesterday:

Which of the following names DOESN’T look familiar to you?

1) Robert Mugabe

2) Julius Malema

3) Advocate Barbie

4) Joseph Ratzinger

5) Scabir Shaik

6) Tiger Woods

Hhmmm? You probably battled a bit with no. 4. See, again you know all the blacks, skelms and sex maniacs, but you don’t even know the Pope!!