Jy blaai in die argief vir 2009 Augustus.

English 101 for Malema & Co

Augustus 31, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

Had a nice laugh about all the goings on of Malema and company in front of court today. 

Malema was taken to court by Sonke Gender Justice Network because he said that most women who claim that they have been raped only say so after they had a good time and asked for breakfast and taxi fare. 

Shame, poor old Jules. He can never get it right.

His fans went out to support their leader, and guess what it said on their posters?

“HANDS OFF TO OUR PRESIDENT”

Now, if that is not economic I don’t know what is!!! You can use the same poster whether you are singing his praises  OR threatening the rest of us. 

Just glue a T over the -nds in Hands to make it HATS (for singing his praises), and voila! “Hats of to our president”.

Or, if you want to threaten those not taking their hats off, scratch out the TO and make it “Hands off our president”.

Maybe Malema has his eye on the job of minister of finance… Or even a planning portfolio…

Skreeusnaakse eksamenglipse!

Augustus 31, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

Ek wens ek kon die krediet kry vir al hierdie snaaksighede bymekaar, maar ek het dit vroeer vanjaar per e-pos gekry van iewers af. Dis regtig BAIE snaaks! Geniet!

 * Salomo  het  driehonderd  vroue   en nog sewehonderd bye-vye gehad. Nie almal van hulle het gesteek nie, maar hy  was gelukkig baie slim en het ‘n plan uitgewerk.

 *Nog ‘n belangrike uitvindsel was  die bloedsomloop. Dit het verhoed dat jou bloed stilstaan, wat stilstuipe veroorsaak

 *Peter  Stuyfgestaan  is ‘n  geskiedkundige figuur, want hy het sigarette uitgevind en begin rook. Hy het so baie gerook
dat die niekoetien-kolle in sy onderbroek duidelik sigbaar was.

 *Egipteland  was bewoon deur mummies  en hulle het almal op hulle hero-gleuwe geskryf en vir hulle pappies gewys.  Hulle het in die Sarah-woestyn  gewoon  en  het  waterbeurte gehad van die min reën.  Die klimaat was só erg dat al die inwoners op ander plekke gebly het, en net naweke huistoe gekom het om sandkastele te bou. Die boesmans het in hulle tuine gewerk.

 *  Moses  het  die  Hebreeuse slawe na die Rooi See gelei waar hulle ongesuurde brode gebak het, dit is brood wat sonder enige bestanddele gemaak is en baie soet is van te min suurdeeg. Moses het die berg Sianied uitgeklim om die  tien gebooie te kry.

 * Die Egiptenare was ‘n  hoogs gekulde volk en sonder hulle sou ons nie ‘n geskiedenis gehad het nie.  Hulle het omtrent al die kafees in Egipte gehad. My ma sê hulle het baie mites  gehad? wat seker in die kombuis gewerk het.

 *  Demokrates  was ‘n  beroemde Griekse wysheid wat rondgeloop en mense raad gegee het. Hy is dood  omdat hy verskriklik oordosis ?.of so iets. Ná sy dood het sy loopbaan dramaties  agteruitgegaan.

*  In  die  ou  Olimpiese Spele het die Grieke kaal paal gespring, zol geswaai, en disnis gegooi. Hulle was ook lief vir
budgie-jump, omdat daar niks anders was om te jump nie.

 * Johanna van Arkel het van ‘n stapel brandwonde gesterf. Hulle het haar met ‘n blaasbalk aan die brand gepomp, tot haar hare afrou geraak het van skrik.

 *  Koningin  Elizabeth  was die “Maagdekoningin”. As ‘n koningin was sy ‘n sukses, maar nie as ‘n maagd nie. Sy het haar volk se probleme aangetrek En was altyd mooi geklee.

 *  Dit was ‘n tydperk van groot  uitvindsels en ontdekkings. Gutenberg het die wynpers uitgevind. Hy het die slaweklokke gelui deur dit in die wynpers vas te draai dat die wyn spat.

* Die grootste skrywer van die Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  Hy is in die jaar 1564 gebore en die geskiedkundige mense dink dit was op sy verjaardag.  Hy het nooit geld gemaak nie, en is net beroemd oor die toneelstukke  wat hy geskryf het. Hy het tragedies, komedies en historektomieë geskryf. Romeo and Juliet is een voorbeeld.

 *  Abraham  Lincoln  het  Amerika  se grootste  presedent geword. Lincoln se ma is dood toe sy nog ‘n maagd was en hy is gebore  in ‘n houthut wat hy met sy eie hande gebou het in die franse evolusie.

*  Johann  Babbelastiaan  Bach het  baie komposisies geken en het so ook baie kinders gehad. Hy is dood sedert 1750  tot vandag toe. Bach was die beroemdste  komponis  in  die  wêreld  ,  amper  soos  Händel . Händel was half-Duits, half-Italiaans en half-Engels wat Hollangs gepraat het.

 *  Beethoven het musiek geskryf al was hy doof. Hy was só  doof dat hy harde musiek geskryf het. Hy het ver in die woude gaan loop selfs al het almal na hom geroep. Beethoven het in 1827 opgehou bestaan en dis hoekom hy later dood is. Hy het rooi hare by geboorte gehad toe noem sy ma hom Beethoven. Sy hare het egter na sy eerste bad  heelwat verander.

 *  Die  negentiende  eeu  was  ‘n  tyd  van  baie  uitvindsels.  Mense het opgehou om met die hand te reproduseer en met toestelle begin  reproduseer.

*  Die uitvinding van die stoomboot  het ‘n netwerk van riviere laat ontstaan, waarna die mense gevlug het as die  water te warm raak van die stoom wat afgeblaas word..

* Die Toekoek is ‘n voël wat nie haar eie eiers kan lê nie.

* Parallelle lyne ontmoet mekaar  nooit nie, tensy jy een of altwee van hulle buig.

* ‘n Sirkel is ‘n lyn  wat sy ander end ontmoet sonder om te end.. ..Daarom is dit moeilik om sy end  te kry, voordat jy
dronk word.

 *  Die maan is ‘n planeet net soos die  aarde, Daar bly net een man wat baie gelukkig is. Een keer ‘n jaar raak sy koeie
mal en spring oor die maan.

 *  Vegatiewe  voortplanting  is  ‘n  proses  waarin een individu per ongeluk ‘n ander individu vervaardig waarop net die
ouma  trots is.

* Koolstofmonoksied is ‘n  reuklose gas wat verskriklik stink.

Thought YOU had a bad hair day?

Augustus 31, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

From what I read on www.ananova.com just now, your three hair standing in six directions is really not all that serious.

Firstly, because you didn’t have to dish out £20 000 for the haircut, like the “poor” celebs getting their hair coiffed at a certain Covent Garden hairsalon.(And no, it DOESN’T include a plane ticket to get there…)

£20K haircut

A celebrity stylist is charging £20,000 for a wash, cut and blow dry.

Hairdressers Stuart and Tabatha Phillips /Rex

Stuart Phillips salon in London’s Covent Garden has Swarovski crystal chandeliers and Japanese shampoo beds.

Clients are not only offered a treat for their hair but they can have champagne on tap and order anything from the menu at the five-star Covent Garden Hotel just across the road.

Clients flying in from Moscow or New York will be put up for two nights in the hotel.

Bodyguards, interpreters or personal chefs can also be provided. Plus a chauffeur.

Stuart told the Daily Mirror: “You get treated like a king or queen, it’s glamour and luxury all the way – and you will leave looking a million dollars.

“I love it because the client is smiling all day and it’s the best job in the world.”

And secondly, you didn’t physically attack your hairdresser for making you look ugly like one Ruzica Radovic from Serbia. (Unconfirmed sources just whispered in my ear that the poor hairdresser might now be living in Putsonderwater after her near death experience…)

Angry customer attacks hairdresser

A furious customer had to be dragged off her hairdresser by police after her perm went wrong at a salon in Serbia.

Hairdressers /Rex

Terrified Nevena Zivkovic dialled cops when hysterical Ruzica Radovic saw her bubble perm in a mirror after the treatment at a beauty parlour in Novi Sad.

Ruzica – who had to be calmed with a sedative at hospital – insisted she hadn’t asked for curly hair.

A police spokesman said: “When we got a call from the shop we thought that there was a criminal in there attacking the staff.

“But instead what we found when we got there was an extremely angry lady who was unhappy with her hairdo.

“Our officers have had to deal with some very strange situations before but none of us can remember anything like this.”

Shop owner Zivkovic said: “I am still in shock. She just went wild. If she was that unhappy she could have just said and we would have refunded her money.”

Die eerste jasmyn…

Augustus 30, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

…het ongemerk hul pienk blommetjies uitgestoot. Vanaand toe ek uitstap om die honde te gaan toemaak, was die aandlug gevul met die soet reuk van jasmyn. Lente is hier!

My klonkie het vandag vir die tweede keer vir sy ma ‘n takkie bloeisels gaan pluk. En my 10-jarige kan sien haar ma is doodmoeg, en het vanaand (self aangebied en vir die eerste keer in haar lewe) hulle twee se pousebroodjies vir more gemaak.

Hoe geseend is ek nie.

I dont understand the mentality…

Augustus 30, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

… of certain groups of people. And no, I’m not being racist.

It just struck me today while some people will remain bottom feeders until the day they die. Not that the thought fills me with great joy – in fact, the realisation goes along with a lot of frustration and the events leading up to it is busy causing havoc in my life.

I look after my 83-year old dad with the help of 3 trained nursing aides. 1 for dayshift (5x per week) and two for nightshift (alternating, each night).

In the 7 months since we have been using trained helpers, I have had so many problems with people not pitching or phoning 30 minutes before a shift starts that I feel like MURDER!

And here I was, naively thinking that these ladies would be happy to find a stable job, good working conditions and the possibility of finally escaping the web of poverty they find themselves in.

But nay, it seems I live in lala-land.

Examples: getting a phonecall at 21h00 at night, to say that worker 1 is taking her child to KZN tomorrow morning (we live in Alberton) and that she won’t come in at all for the next few days. NO mention beforehand.

Seriously. Do you sit there, watch TV and suddenly this thought jumps into your head: o, wait, I feel like taking a taxi to Durban tomorrow instead of just 20 km to my work? Yep, that’s right, let me sommer call my boss right now…

Then, when you are due back for work, nobody pitches. Employer starts phoning around frantically at 07h00 on a Saturday morning when night worker leave. Day worker nowhere in sight. Said worker calmly informs bewildered boss that she decided to extend her visit to KZN by another day – WITHOUT informing the boss. But not to worry, she spoke to the other helper.

Right, so where’s worker no 2?  After several voicemails, worker 2’s mother phones an hour later (well past 08h30) to tell boss that worker woke up with a headache and decide to have it checked out at hospital. No popping a headache tablet like stupid old me while I drag my aching head to work… NOOOOO, hospital it shall be for this particular headache. 

Result? No helper in sight, interviews (MY work) having to be cancelled for the day.

Then, when you give both workers a serious talk when they eventually pitch for work, both sulk for days. (No, I didn’t give them a written warning, as I was more than entitled to do in the light of the contract. Yes, we do have a written contract, pay UIF, pay PAYE, pay the hourly rate as paid by nursing agency, etc).

Fast forward a month or two. Two night helpers, both with sick children. Me the nice boss once again. Being a mother myself, I feel that a mother should be with a young child who is sick enough to be hospitalised. So, idiot that I am, I allow worker 1 to take time off to attend to sick child. Worker 2 comes in for 5 nights, then phones me and say her child is getting epileptic fits and needs to be hospitalised. No problem, as worker 1’s child should be okay by now.

If the child is okay, only the devil himself knows, as worker 1 has decided to ignore me, the idiot boss, completely. No answer to my phonecalls, voice mails and SMS’s. At first they are enquiring, and later, with frustration levels rising as I have to look after my dad for the third night in a row, threatening her with dismissal in the light that she basically AWOL’ed. Zip, nada, nothing, niks… 

Worker 2 also ignores my phone calls (in her favour, it has only been 2 days, and not a week like in the case of worker 1.) After phone four times, her mother finally phones back to say that worker 2 decided to take her baby to the Eastern Cape (????heaven knows why, we have the best state hospitals in the country right here in Joburg) and that she should be back sometime this week. This is the same lady that is so desperately poor that she had to borrow taxi money from me for the first month of her employment, as it was the first permanent appointment she’s ever had. (She has only been working here 3 months.) Last week, she once again ran out of taxi money, and idiot here helped again.

Before all of this, I went through the same nonsense with another girl – getting phone calls at funny times (even times when I was out of Johannesburg for work) to say that she has to go to her boyfriend/visit her sick mother in hospital/has stomach ache was becoming part of my daily routine.

In between sorting out all this crap (sorry, but can’t think of a better word, given my current level of anger) I have my own career (deadlines wait for nobody) and my 7 and 10 year old to think of. And, of course, my poor old dad, who deserves nothing of this. So, I can’t even voice my frustration.

Now my million dollar question: what’s with this mentality? Is this not maybe why some people will die dirt poor, while others with even more odds against them will make it to the top?

And will we EVER get the message accross to the thousands of have not’s pleading poverty and pointing fingers at the have’s, that the reason they are poor (in very many cases) is not lack of opportunity, but rather a lack of follow through…

A funny one for the Saturday night blues

Augustus 29, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

Got this via e-mail. Made my day!

How do these people survive?


ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
‘We don’t have half dozen nuggets,’ said the teenager at the counter.
‘You don’t?’ I replied.
‘We only have six, nine, or twelve,’ was the reply.
‘So I can’t order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?’
‘That’s right.’
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true…)
 
TWO

I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those ‘dividers’ that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the ‘divider’, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, ‘Do you know how much this is?’
I said to her ‘I’ve changed my mind; I don’t think I’ll buy that today.’
She said ‘OK,’ and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.


THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM ‘thingy.’
(keep shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ‘Do you need some help?’ I asked.
She replied, ‘I knew I! should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?’
‘Hmmm, I don’t know. Do you have an alarm, too?’ I asked.
‘No, just this remote thingy,’ she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, ‘Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries. It’s a long walk….’
 PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

 
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?’ ‘Just use paper from the photocopier’, the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five ‘blank’ copies.
Brunette, by the way!!


SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, ‘I just gave him some ant killer……’
Dispatcher: ‘Rush him in to emergency!’


Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid!!!!

 
 

 

 

Jurie Els moet hof toe oor Klay. Beteken dit daar is hoop vir die regstelsel

Augustus 29, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

Hoera en wonderlik!

Die bevinding van die vervolgingsgesag in Pretoria om Jurie Els in ‘n hooggeregshof te laat verskyn op drie aanklagte (twee van onsedelike aanranding en een van uitlokking) is vir my goeie nuus. Dit gee my weer hoop dat SA se regstelsel die stormwaters van die afgelope jaar of tien gaan verlaat, en dat ons regstelsel werklik geregtigheid as fokus het, en bereid is om sake deeglik te ondersoek.

Ek het van die begin af simpatie met Klay gehad en gewonder oor Els se beweringe dat hy valslik beskuldig word. Hoekom? Veral 3 redes.

1. My dogtertjie is as kleuter gemolesteer, en ek weet watse moed dit van haar geverg het om my daarvan te vertel en daarna deur die sielkundige proses te gaan. Sy was maar 6 jaar oud toe ons uitgevind het, en gelukkig kon ons vir haar die beste sielkundige terapie bekostig (danksy ‘n goeie mediese fonds). Vandag is sy ‘n vrolike, goed aangepaste 10-jarige, maar dit kon baie anders gewees het as sy nie gepraat het nie en ons nie die finansies gehad het vir goeie terapie nie.

2. Robbie Klay kon NIKS daarby baat om hierdie bewerings openbaar te maak nie. Inteendeel. Sy loopbaan kon groot skade gely het, want die Afrikaanse musiekmark is ook net so groot, en baie van Els se aanhangers was ook waarskynlik Klay se aanhangers.

3. Die derde rede het Els eintlik self verskaf: hy het kwalik gese hy gaan ‘n sabbatsjaar oorsee neem, of hy is weg. Letterlik binne dae. En etlike weke later maak Robbie sy bewerings openbaar. Wat is daardie seding nou weer van ‘n rokie en ‘n vuurtjie?

Let wel: ek se nie Els is skuldig nie – time and the court will tell – maar ek is bly die saak het nie sommer net onder ‘n mat in verdwyn nie.

Hopelik laat die feit dat die saak in ‘n openbare hof ondersoek word, huidige en voornemende kindermolesteerders twee keer dink voordat hulle hul perverse wil op ‘n onskuldige kind afdwing.

Only in South Africa…

Augustus 28, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

… will you find a car guard outside a policestation.

Don’t believe me? Then go see for yourself at the SAPS in Van Riebeeck Ave, Alberton.

One Man Can… en is hy nie goed nie

Augustus 28, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

Luidkeelse Jules verskyn Maandag waarskynlik voor die gelykheidshof oor sy uitsprake dat baie vroue wat beweer hulle is verkrag dit se na ‘n “lekker tyd” en nadat hulle vir “ontbyt en taxi-geld” gevra het.

Ironies genoeg neem die Sonke Gender Justice Network Malema hof toe. Volgens hul webblad (www.genderjustice.co.za) werk hulle “across Africa” om “men and boys”  te mobiliseer om geslagsgelykheid te bevorder, gesinsgeweld te bekamp en die verspreiding van HIV/Vigs te keer.

Sonke se vlagskip-projek is One Man Can.

En dit het  Sy Dofheid nou al bewys. One man can certainly mess things up when it comes to building a new, united SA!

Hoe verskillend hoor ons nie…

Augustus 28, 2009 in Sonder kategorie

Soos genoem, was ek gister by die mediakonferensie van Prof. Jonathan Jansen.

Vanoggend se opskrif in Beeld (Prof. Jansen wil nie k*k hoor nie) oor wat hy te se gehad het, laat my egter glimlag. Was ek by dieselfde konferensie?

Ja, Jansen het die woord gebruik – 1 maal, in ‘n aside, soos die Engelse se. Maar in die lig van al die ander positiewe dinge wat hy gese het, en die manier waarop hy sy boodskap oorgedra het (nederig, onarrogant, en met groot empatie vir sy studente se agtergrond en hoe hulle grootgemaak is) het die een enkele kragwoord vir my laat verdof tot net dit: een woord uit honderde positiewes wat hy gister gese het.

Tog jammer dat sensasie en skok so dikwels die hoofstroom-media pootjie en lesers laat met ‘n verwronge beeld van wie en wat iemand is.